Saturday, June 25, 2005

Where the hell is that light at the end of the tunnel everyone talks about????

Oh my God! What a day! I spent the day dealing with my colicky daughter's screams. I actually thought I would lose it. I felt like taking my daughters legs and slamming her as hard as I could against the wall. When I said this to the doctor and laughed he laughed then got serious saying "You don't really feel like that do you?"  I told him NO I have to joke about it. She cries 18 hours a day.

Don't misunderstand me. I love her from the core of my being, but listening to her scream for about 7 hours today was more than I could handle. I called friends and family trying to find someone who could talk me down before finally calling the person I should call in the first place; my husband. As most 0of you know husbands are sometimes good for nothing. Hence the need for really good friends!

I started the conversation by telling him to say something smart! I cried and told him that I hated her and that I wanted to slam her against the wall. He said, "Now you're talking". Agghhh! Why did I bother calling?!

I told him not to encourage me and that it wasn't funny. I know that he was trying to be funny but I already had enough guilt from feeling the way I did about her. I love her and didn't want to make jokes about hurting her. His suggestion is always put her in a room and close the door. She is only going on 10 weeks old so that is so not an option. I have tried it and the longer she is allowed to cry the harder it is for her to calm down.

It is by the grace of God that I have enough sense to know when to step away from her and that what I am feeling is totally normal. I am not going to beat myself up for the feelings I had today. We are not responsible for our thoughts, but we are responsible for our actions. My daughter's colic will end and peace will settle on the household once more. Hopefully we all get there in one piece. Agghhh!!!!!!!!!


Update 2/24/18 - I am waiting for this now 12 year old baby to get out of an art class and have an hour so I started reading old posts. This girl was a difficult baby. She cried A LOT and I had a toddler who threw terrible tantrums. I was alone all the time and it was hard. 

If I could talk to my 13 year ago self I would tell her that she needs to get out alone. That she needs to go off when her husband gets home and not feel guilty. That she is entitled to have some time to herself to unwind and decompress even if that meant leaving the house when he got home and having them all figure it out together. She felt guilty that he wouldn't spend enough time with them. That they would cry the whole time she was gone and that they would feel alone. Now, I know that they would have figured it out. That my husband would have had to stand up and do it. That the kids would have been okay even if that meant they cried the whole time. 

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