TEACH YOUR CHILD TO SAY “NO” TO LARRY NASSAR OR UNCLE JOE
By Ira Chaleff
As we are in the glory of the winter Olympics, for the moment we put stories
of stomach turning sexual abuse aside. But only for a moment. Sports Physician,
Larry Nassar, has been stopped from ever again using his position of authority
to sexually violate young athletes but the next generation of athletes is still
at risk. Why?
The things we currently do to screen out future abusers are necessary but
insufficient. A sociopath trusted with the responsibilities of coaching or
training or providing medical examinations and treatment will cover their
tracks. Some will slip undetected through the safeguards. What is the final
line of protection and defense?
It is the young athlete herself or himself. There is a skill that is
not difficult to teach but is a critical counterweight to obedience to
authority drummed into children from the earliest age. Like home insurance or
self defense arts, we hope we don’t need to use it but understand its precious
value if we do.
This skill is called Intelligent Disobedience. It comes from training given
to guide dogs who are taught to disobey if executing a command would be
harmful. This is done carefully so as not to confuse the dog on when and when
not to obey. Growing out of my research on authorities abusing power, we have
tested how to teach this skill to children. You can teach it to yours. And you
should.
Even at a very young age, children learn simple self protection sequences
like “Stop, Drop and Roll” if their clothes catch fire. They are taught “Run,
Hide, Fight” as a sequence of choices in the event of an active shooter
incident. We all know “If you see something, say something” to pre-empt
acts of terror. To these we need to add: Blink, Think, Choice, Voice. What does
this mean?
When told by an authority figure to do something wrong, sexual or otherwise,
there is a physiological response. It is apparent in the eyes, which may
open wide in disbelief or begin to involuntarily blink. (You want me to do
WHAT?!) Cognitive powers are reduced.
When the coach or team physician, or piano teacher, or camp counselor or
Uncle Joe touches a private part, or asks the child to touch theirs, there is a
particularly heightened moment of overwhelming confusion. The individual
is vulnerable to obeying the authority figure, which is the default response
that society has drilled into them.
With a little preparation they can quickly recover from this shock and
re-engage their cognitive ability to make choices. A simple approach is to
start BLINKING volitionally to interrupt the startled response. Then
THINK about the conflicting rules – I am supposed to listen to the coach but
the coach is not supposed to touch my private parts. Now make a CHOICE about
which rule to follow in this situation and VOICE it clearly. If the choice is
“No, I don’t want you to do that” say it in a voice that can’t be ignored.
BLINK, THINK, make a CHOICE, use your VOICE.
Just like “Stop, Drop and Roll” each of these steps can be practiced with an
accompanying physical gesture. This helps build neural pathways and muscle
memory for the new behavior. We recently successfully tested this approach with
children from four years old to preteens. Other researchers may further test and
improve on it. Meanwhile, the technique can be used now to prepare
children if they find themselves in the terrible predicament of being told to
do something bad by an adult in whose care you trusted them.
Learning intelligent disobedience has many applications beyond preventing
sexual abuse. For example, when being told to intentionally injure another
player, or to stay on the field despite lightening. But sadly, preventing
sexual abuse is the most immediate need. Our job as adults is to practice
it with the children in our lives and then
listen
to and support them when they use it.
Individually and as a society, we should do everything we can to protect
children so the burden of stopping abusive authority is not placed on them. We
should also prepare them if our best safeguards fail.
For more information on how to do this, visit
www.blinkthinkchoicevoice.com
About the Author:
Ira Chaleff is the
author of The
Courageous Follower: Standing Up To and For Our Leaders, now in its third edition, and
coeditor of The
Art of Followership: How Great Followers Make Great Leaders and Organizations, part of the Warren Bennis Leadership
Series. He is the founder of the International Leadership Association’s
Followership Learning Community and a member of the ILA board of directors. He
is a frequent speaker and workshop presenter on Courageous Followership and
transforming hierarchical relationships into powerful partnerships. Chaleff is
founder and president of Executive Coaching & Consulting Associates, which
provides coaching, consulting, and facilitation to companies, associations, and
agencies. He is adjunct faculty at Georgetown University, where Courageous
Followership is part of the core curriculum in its professional management
training for staff.
Intelligent
Disobedience: Doing Right When What You’re Told To Do Is Wrong is currently available via Amazon and
all major online and brick-and-mortar book retailers in print, e-book, and
audiobook formats.
Find Chaleff on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Goodreads and www.IraChaleff.com
