Oh I wish you were here Mom. Wish you were here to tell me that everything is going to be OK. That life has a funny way of screwing things up and making it all better again. Wish that you were here to take the kids for a few hours so I could actually think about my next move instead of shoving it all down and almost erupting into a panic attack. The attack didn't happen because I have become a maven of shoving that shit down and not allowing it to surface. I can push things under the rug better than anyone I know. It is engrained in me from way back.
This morning, I felt that first flutter in my chest, the moment when I knew my heart would skip and my breathing would become irregular. It started and I said out loud, "NOT TODAY" and swallowed. Took a deep, cleansing breath and moved past it.
I reached out to Teach to ask if he was in the office or in the field because I thought maybe if he could just talk to me, it wouldn't resurface. He answered my text that he was in the field and where. I told him that it was OK that I was fine. He said wait a moment and called. He obviously doesn't know what a panic attack is because for a moment he didn't want me to drive and asked if I could call my girlfriend Clary to come over. I explained it was OK. I was definitely fine.
The panic attack may have stemmed from a call with my Dad. We talked a bit he asked about my week, I gave the 5 cent version and he said, "I knew something was going on and you needed me to call. I wish your mother was here for you. I wish she was there to help you because she would know what to say to make it all OK."
He added some things about a difficult time that my parents went through, things I knew already but he really didn't know what to say except to tell me that he hopes I can move past this and that everything will be OK. I am sure everything will be whichever way things go. BUT...don't we all have days like that where we feel that no matter what life is just HARD? Relationships are HARD. Financial Issues are HARD. Sometimes shit happens and life is HARD.