Most
of the time when a marriage is collapsing you can see it coming a mile away.
Family members, friends – sometimes even bystanders on the street – can tell
something is amiss.
And
yet, divorce attorneys and therapists say that often one spouse seems completely
blindsided – and flattened – when the end actually comes.
But
marriages rarely go from “till death do us part” to “I can’t be in the same
room with you” overnight, says Manhattan-based divorce attorney Jacqueline
Newman, author of Soon to Be
Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.jacquelinenewman.com).
“There
are always red flags,” Newman says. “People just miss them when it’s their own
relationship.”
According
to the legal site Avvo.com, there are two divorces every minute in the United
States. Which means, in the time it will take you to read to this paragraph, at
least one couple will call it quits. If you have a nagging feeling you might be
next, Newman advises watching for these common signs that heartache could be
heading your way.
- Your partner’s communication style has done a 180. It’s one thing to have a day now and then when your spouse simply doesn’t feel like talking, Newman says. It’s different when he shuts you out completely. “This kind of distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder,” she says. “It’s a way to care less about the relationship so he can more easily pull the plug.”
- Conversations about money begin to morph. If your spouse is changing up her financial behavior – urging you to pay down certain bills while she forgets to mention the checking account she just opened – it could be she’s preparing for life on her own. “Likewise, if your husband is whining about a reduction in his pay or a missed bonus,” Newman says, “it could be a setup to reduce expectations when he tells you he wants a divorce.”
- Your spouse’s bad mood stretches on … and on. If your once happy wife is annoyed about life – and nothing you do seems to ease her edginess – it could be she wants out but can’t find a way to tell you, Newman says. “She may be checking out of your relationship but feels guilty or unsure about truly cutting the cord.”
- Your spouse is interested in everything … but you. It’s healthy to go your own way in a relationship, to find new hobbies or to spend a quiet evening in opposite ends of the house reading or watching TV, Newman says. “What isn’t normal is when your partner is always hanging out with friends, traveling solo without making an effort to include you,” she says. “That’s a pretty good sign that she’s moving on.”
- You feel as if you’re on an episode of “Cheaters.” If your hubby won’t let you see his cell phone, is suddenly required to work overtime three nights a week or is more concerned about his appearance than he used to be, there may be another woman involved. “If you ask if something’s up, he’ll tell you you’re nuts,” Newman says. “But he might be the one who’s crazy … about someone else.”
You
don’t want to be overly suspicious, but you should trust your instincts, Newman
says.
“It’s
common to experience a sense of denial that this is happening to you,” she
says. “But when you’re facing this situation, it’s important to stay wise,
alert and rational.”
About Jacqueline Newman
Jacqueline
Newman, author of Soon to Be
Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com), is the managing partner of Berkman
Bottger Newman & Rodd, LLP, a New York divorce law firm. She has appeared
as an expert commentator on television and radio shows and has been quoted in
numerous publications, including Crain’s New York Business, U.S. News and World
Report, Business Insider, Time.com, USA Today, Yahoo Parenting, Woman’s Day,
Glamour Magazine, the New York Post, Reuters.com, CNBC.com and The Huffington
Post.
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