It
is no secret divorces can get downright contentious – often because the stakes
are so high financially and emotionally.
But
those already high stakes are raised dramatically when children are involved
and one or both parents try to use them as pawns in their never-ending battle
with each other.
That
is a recipe for disaster, says Jacqueline Newman, a divorce lawyer and author
of Soon to Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect
Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com).
“You
really should try your best to keep your kids out of your divorce,” she says.
“You need to sacrifice your personal feelings of wanting to tell them
everything so they can put on their ‘Team Mom’ or ‘Team Dad’ T-shirt and get on
your side. Instead, take the high road and keep quiet.”
Newman
says if you can keep your child’s true best interests as your focus during your
divorce, the odds will increase that your children will turn out fine.
She
knows that is not easy, though, and offers parents a few tips for protecting
their children during what can be a traumatic time for them:
·
Assure
the children they have your unconditional love. “If your child is secure and
confident in the understanding they are loved by you, and know that no matter
what they do that your love is unwavering, then they will be able to get
through your divorce, as well as every other stage in life,” Newman says.
Children who are dealing with divorcing parents need to know that, if they
enjoy time with the other parent, both parents will still love them and will
not hold it against them.
·
Do
Not make children choose between parents. Newman says sometimes a client will talk about letting a
child decide which parent to spend a holiday with. She says that is a terrible
idea. For one thing, giving children such power allows them to be manipulative.
They can imply, or say, that if their demands are not met they will spend the
holidays with the other parent. “It can also cause great anxiety in children,”
Newman says. “In essence, you are asking them who they would rather be with.”
Parents need to be the parents and decide who the children will spend the
holidays with.
·
Do
Not treat your child as your friend.
No matter how old your child is, this is not the person you should be confiding
in, complaining to or offering insight into your divorce proceedings. “Your
child shouldn’t know the name of your lawyer or the judge, and should not be
privy to the child support you are receiving or paying,” Newman says.
“The best way you can protect your children during a divorce is to keep them out of your divorce,” Newman says. “Do all in your power to create a united front with your ex and show your children that even though you are no longer spouses, you are still and will always be their loving parents.”
About Jacqueline Newman
Jacqueline
Newman, author of Soon to Be Ex: A Guide
to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com), is the managing partner of Berkman
Bottger Newman & Rodd, LLP, a New York divorce law firm. She has appeared
as an expert commentator on various television and radio shows and has been
quoted in numerous publications, including Crain’s New York Business, U.S. News
and World Report, Business Insider, Time.com, USA Today, Yahoo Parenting,
Woman’s Day, Glamour Magazine, the New York Post, Reuters.com, CNBC.com and The
Huffington Post.
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