Backtalk is Just Annoying Talk

Lately Handsome has started talking back with more detail. He has been talking back since the Summer. Now, there is a little more to it.

No matter what you say to him he reiterates it back to you.

Me - "Stop jumping on the bed"
Handsome, before - "No, you stop jumping on the bed"
Handsome, now - "You stop jumping. If you don't stop it, I am going to give you a strike and if you don't stop it."

Me - "Don't hit your sister, it's not nice."
Handsome, before - "No you stop hitting her."
Handsome, now - If you don't stop hitting her you are going to get a strike and I will give you time out. Stop it and zip it."

Ok, I don't need an expert to tell me that he is repeating everything I have said in the past when he talked back. What I do need is for him to stop it.

According to Family Education back talk should be handled like this.

Six rules for fighting fair

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your kids, but you can learn how to fight fair. Bozigar suggests that each family member adhere to the following rules:

* Don't attack
* Don't belittle
* Don't condemn
* Define what the problem is
* Define how to rectify it
* Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

Preschoolers
Common back talk: "No!" and "Why?" (Goddess is totally doing this now.)

How to respond: Model good behavior. Try saying, "Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to do things we don't like to do?" Don't yell back and don't be sarcastic. Your response is going to determine what happens next. Parents will never be able to control their children. The only person you can control is yourself. When you model control, you teach kids how to control themselves.

Handsome is obviously past this because well he is not a preschooler. However he doesn't fall into what Family Education says about school age children which is:
School-Age Children
Common back talk: "You don't understand!" and "It's not fair!"
How to respond: Kids this age care more about what their peers think than what you think. They'll try to dangle bait to get you going. Don't bite! You'll lose: School-age kids always need to have the last word. Instead, let the child own the problem and empathize with him. Try saying, "You don't think I know what's going on with you right now and that's frustrating, but you're being disrespectful. Please go to your room until you've calmed down and can talk rationally with me."
Handsome is a totally different child. He falls in between somewhere. You can read about this statement here.

According to About I should check the following:

• Look at the child's situation and surroundings. What kind of talk occurs around her? How much sarcasm, fighting and sass is he exposed to? Make sure a child is not modeling behaviors he encounters regularly. If this is the case, changing the environment is the first place to start. This is not happening. We are teaching respect in this house.
  
• Analyze a kid's self-esteem and comfort. Does the youngster feel powerless or not listened to? Does he seem out of control? Is it possible that the back-talk occurs because the child has found that it is the most effective way to get listened to? Again, if this is the case, tackling these issues first may resolve the problem. This is also not happening. The bigger problem is that they are listened to too much.
  

Techniques to tackle the problem of talking back include:

• Establish behavior expectations and stick with them. Simply say: "Talking that way is not allowed." Remain firm and direct. I can say that but I believe it will just be repeated back to me. However, I will try to just stick with this statement for a week and see what happens.
  
• Teach the consequence that talking that way will NOT get a child what he wants. This important lesson must be understood by a back-talking child. Adults can simply say: "I am not going to talk with you or listen while you have this tone with me. Once you change how you talk with me, then I will be glad to listen." Interesting because this is actually what I do say. But like I said, this is a totally different child.
  
• Teach a child proper communication methods. Sometimes, a child really doesn't know how to properly ask for things or to communicate. In an appropriate setting and time (and not when a child has just challenged an adult with back-talk), calmly explain to a youngster how to properly communicate. Be sure that they understand, however, that simply asking respectfully still does not necessarily mean they will achieve the outcome they are requesting. Otherwise, parents/providers will be seeking advice on managing a spoiled brat. I don't believe that the problem is communication. I believe that he is pushing self control.
  
• As appropriate for their age and development, begin teaching a child how to handle disappointment. Explain ways a child can cope or even voice disappointment or displeasure without talking back to an adult. Whenever he is upset I tell him that he is allowed to be mad, but he is not allowed to talk back, hit or thrown things. I feel like I am doing everything right but I must be leaving something out.
  
• Play act a scenario with a child and provide him with a chance to practice an appropriate response. Reinforce that inappropriate reactions/behaviors should always be followed by an apology and an attempt to again relay the communication in a non-"sass" tone. He does eventually apologize on his own.
  
• Praise good behavior and appropriate actions/reactions. Realize that it is hard to handle life's disappointments, and responses often have to be learned.
  

For the next 3 weeks I am going to be using this method from Pediatrics/About.

A PARENTS' MAKEOVER TO STOP KID BACK TALK

Back talk is learned—and kids will keep using it when they know it works. So never give in to kids' disrespectful behavior. Instead, use these steps to stop back talk, and then be relentless until it does stop. Commit immediately to stopping this behavior. Write a letter to yourself stating your commitment and read it often.
Identify how you typically respond to your kid's back talk. Ask yourself why isn't it working. Reread the four steps to squelching talking back. If possible, discuss them with your spouse or another parent. Now develop a plan to end it. Pass on your plan so everyone is on board together.
Recognize that in most cases, step one and two are mandatory for behavior makeovers. If step one and two successfully eliminate your kid's back talk, then skip to step four. If not, try step three and set consequences that are appropriate for your child. Then apply it each time your kid back talks.
Keep up with your plan until you see change—and that's usually three weeks. Track the behavior on a calendar to see if your plan is working and the back talk subsides. Be consistent and do not give in.
WHY CHILDREN TALK BACK

Understanding the following sources of disrespect can help parents take it less personally and free their minds to have a quick-witted response:

• Young children talk back to test the limits of their power by ordering and verbally refusing to comply. High-energy children are especially prone to back talk because their exuberance gives them a confusing sense of strength.
• Adolescents talk back as a part of their struggle to establish their own identity and ndependence.
They are critical of parents about almost everything—being too strict, too overprotective, old
fashioned, or “clueless.”
• Children of all ages will talk back when parents engage in power struggles with them.
• Comments that parents make out of hurt and anger can provoke disrespectful retorts from children.
• Children who are being empowered by another adult who is undermining the parent’s authority will
talk back.
• Children who feel too powerful because parents don’t take action to establish their authority or too
powerless because parents are overbearing will talk back.
• Children who have not learned respectful ways to disagree or express anger will talk back. This
includes almost all children.

HOW TO RESPOND TO BACK TALK
Telling a child not to talk back or to be more respectful will inspire the opposite. Psychologists usually advise parents to be consistent. In the case of back talk, it is important for parents to use a variety of responses. Surprisingly, the gentlest responses often produce better results than intense ones. Consequences will be more powerful when they are not overused. The following suggest levels of responding to back talk:

1. Label what the child is feeling without making any judgment. Fight back talk with feedback. This increases children’s awareness of what they are doing without triggering a power struggle—”You really like to give me orders” (use with 6 below). “You seem quite disappointed in me.” “You’re frustrated with the way I worry.”
2. Sympathize to defuse anger—”It’s really hard being 3 years old and having to learn so many
rules.” “It’s very frustrating to lose that taste of freedom.”
3. Being playful can increase awareness and break tension. Excuse yourself to get your broomstick if
your child is treating you like the Wicked Witch of the West. Ask “Do I get demerits for that?”
“How many IQ points do you think I’ve lost?” “Am I a completely hopeless worrywart or am I
trainable?”
4. Match the child’s attitude and back talk for him or her in your sassiest voice.