Thursday, November 20, 2014

Some Days I Just Don't Know How I Keep It Together

Life is crazy, hectic, boring, heartbreaking, sad, moody, funny, amazing and everything in between. You know it. You've had those days too. My life is no different than yours but there are some days I just can't! I really can't!

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind where you just want to throw and the towel and say screw you guys, I'm outta here!

It all starts with your mindset and mine has been on lock down for a while now. There are things even bloggers are just not willing to share until they NEED to. If your mindset is askew everything else is off too but mostly lets just say, I head into each day a little screwed up to begin with.

I am very even, never moody and mostly very rational so when I need to face something I just face it. The facts are always the facts and my mood represents that always. So while there is a million things going on in my life; unless I tell you, you will not know it. Recently I spoke to a friend in the know about this very thing and they said, Yes, if you didn't tell me, I would never know what was going on with you. This chick wears a poker face no matter what to the outside world. In my house I will let it all out though.

So....anywhoooo...there are a lot of things that have been hard lately.

My husband works a lot! I mean a LOT! We only see him Friday, Saturday and Sunday which means most everything except for the financial aspect of our life falls on me. It did before too but with him gone until the weekend there is seriously ONLY me.

My Handsome and Goddess are amazing kids. They really are. BUT like all kids there are certain aspects of their personalities that make them both easy and complicated at the same time.

Yesterday Handsome started counseling at school. It is something I have been asking for since the end of June. Well we finally got it and yesterday he had his first 30 minute session. There were three of us with him. The School Psychologist, Me and his teacher. I love these people. They truly have his best interest at heart and since I also work in the school I also like and respect them as people beside the fact they are on his IEP Team.

The reason we started was for some anger issues, blurting out, and self control issues that have always been there but have escalated as the work has become more difficult as his school career progresses.

It was a 30 minute meeting and for most of it we looked at the top of his head because he refused to talk to us or look at us. He was upset to be there and unwilling to participate. He went through about 5 tissues until he said, "please stop handing me tissues, I am fine with these."

We came together as a team, alternating between good cop and bad cop (except his teacher who definitely stayed on the good cop side). No one yelled at him, no one was angry well except him. He felt that we were all lying to him (?), that everyone wanted him to have a bad day and that it was our fault he was there. I was on the verge of tears much of the time because I could see how much he REALLY is going to need these sessions. His behavior was far from normal.

He is a good boy. He is! His disability makes it difficult for him to understand everything we are saying. He sees things very literally and when things are asked of him he needs it said many ways to make sure he understands however, he still needs to understand. Which is why we are starting this. He is on the edge of the point were it would be harder to get through to him. At 11 he thinks he knows everything, things everything is everyone else s fault, thinks his life is more complicated, important and different than everyone else and is just plain angry. He has no control over his feelings or the words that come out of his mouth and that is what we are trying to help him with.

Hopefully these weekly meetings do him some good. I think it is going to take some time and we are going to have to have consequences balanced with positive reinforcements but there is hope!!!!

Next, my Goddess! I love that girl. I seriously do. There is probably not another person I spend more time with or even want to be with more then her. She is my little buddy and she makes me laugh. She wants to be with me and I am going to take that for as long as I have it. Teens years are going to be horrific!

Anywhoooo...homework is very hard. At night my little 4th grader is knee deep in 2 plus hours of work that can take us as long as 3.5 depending on how hard things are for her. AND...everything is hard for her. She does not know how to read at grade level yet, still does phonetic spelling and math lets not even go there.

Well, last night and the night before, and three nights last week consisted of her just losing her mind. She can't focus on it. It is too hard. She ends up crying hysterically where I can't even reach her until she calms down and the words....oh the words...."I wish I were dead so you wouldn't have to help me." I'm sorry Mommy, I will try now. UGH....It is hard and this is where I come back to the mindset we start our days with that I wrote about at the beginning of this (sorry) too long post. If I had relief, felt whole, knew that at the end of the day there would be someone there for a safe, soft place to fall I may be able to handle these outbursts better. It would still suck but we would get through it and I wouldn't stress that tomorrow we get to do it all over again.

It is a lot for one person. It is too much for one person. How do you deal with the stress of your kids when you feel like it is all falling apart and you are all alone? 


  1. Hang in there, Maria. Make some time this weekend to talk to your husband. Get a babysitter and have some time alone. You need some support and some down time for yourself. Hope you get it soon!

  2. I can totally relate. Big hugs. My husband was ALWAYS working too and now he's being laid off. Some days I really can't take it. Hope you feel better soon even if it's just 15 minutes in a hot bath.

  3. As a mom, somehow you just manage to push through. Sending prayers, positive vibes and (((HUGS)))


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