Blast From The Past - I Am 11 And Mom Has Cancer

Originally written August 2008.

It is 1977, I am 11 years old and my mother is diagnosed with lung cancer. My parents tell me that my mother has something called tumors on her lungs and they show me the X-ray of where they are. An X-ray. A picture of what looks like nothing is about to change my families life forever. My mother is told that she has 3 months. I am not sure if I am told of the timeline. She lasts 8 months. 8 LOOOOONG months of coughing, comas, cancer, courage, clots, and caring.

I am there when my mother’s hair falls out from chemo. I am lying on my belly watching an old Montgomery Ward black and white TV at the foot of her bed. She is sitting up by the pillows. I see her out of the corner of my eye as she pulls hair out of her head. She is holding a few bunches in her hand. She asks me to go downstairs and get her a garbage bag. I head down annoyed that I have to leave the TV.I am not sure what I am watching.

Grabbing a paper bag from Grand Union from under the sink I head back upstairs and hand it to her. We don’t say anything. I see her crying in my peripheral vision as she takes hair from head and places it in the bag. I am very aware of what she is doing and I think I sort of know in a way but I am 11 and confused.

It is one of the most profound moments of my life and yet I was like a fly on the wall just watching it, not reacting, not speaking just trying to avoid.

Getting to Know You - Childhood Memories

If you feel like commenting and answering the questions, I would love to hear from you.

Me and my sisters - circa 1979

1. What was your favorite childhood family vacation? Unfortunately my family didn’t travel in the 12 short years we were together. The only vacation I can vaguely remember is a trip to Magic Forest in Lake George, NY.  Was it my favorite? I guess! NO real reason other than it was the only one we took. I just checked out their site and weirdly the rides look like they did over 30 years ago.

 2. If you knew your grandparents, what do you remember most about them as a child? If you didn’t know them, what stories do you remember being told about them? My Paternal Grandparents, well grandma always had Chicklets and smelled like band-aids. Her fingernails were super long (she called them her weapons), and she always had cuts on her hands from housecleaning. She loved her coffee, had bulimia, and was an awesome cook. I’ll never taste anything like her cooking for the rest of my life.

Grandpa, well he was a different story. He drank, was a molester and always smelled like cigarettes.
My maternal grandparents are still alive (thank God). My grandma has softened with age but she used to be very hard and I never felt as a kid that I could go to her house and just be a kid. We had to be quiet, sit still and speak when spoken to.

Grandpa was/is a great, long story teller. He always had candy for us and he took me and my sisters to Toys R Us often. We were told to get what we wanted.

3. Do you have siblings or not? What do you remember about growing up with or without them? I do have two sisters both younger than me. I remember that we played together often, mostly with paper dolls cut from Montgomery Ward catalogs and Barbie dolls.

4. What did you like best about summer vacation from school? I loved spending time outside with my friends and not having a schedule.

5. Did you like school or dislike school? What is your most memorable school moment? I had a love/hate relationship with school. I think my most memorable school moment was when the Biology teacher asked me if I would agree to take the Regents Exam. I would be the only one in the school taking it it and he would help me study. I told him that I didn’t think I could do it.  I feel bad now thinking of how I let him down. He wasn’t liked by most students but something about his teaching method made me want to learn and I was straight A in his class when I was mostly a C+ student.

Photo Friday Brings The Autumn Color

Two weeks ago I dressed my 9 year old to the Ringwood Manor in Ringwood New Jersey for a photo shoot. She was amazing and even with a ton of people roaming and snapping their own pictures of the beautiful landscape posed for her momma.

These are probably some of my favorite photos of her to date although my family keeps telling me I didn't take enough of her face.

The blue dress was the perfect compliment to the reds, yellows, oranges, greens and browns that surrounded us.  

I love these of her running to this little log cabin with the moss crusted roof!

Such a sweet little face as she stands by this web filled rusty wheel contraption. She was not loving it and did not want to touch it in any way.



She is by far my favorite model.

What's the sense in being around leaves if you can't jump in them???!!

Random Questions From Sunday Stealing

Who were you with yesterday? I was with my little 4 person family. Husband, son and daughter.

 What woke you up this morning? Hearing my son talk to his X-Box game. He was up before the sun so I stayed in bed for another hour and a half

 Where are you? Sitting on the couch in my living room listening to my husband and son talk about football.

 Is tomorrow going to be a good day? Yes we are off tomorrow. The kids from school and since school is closed that means I am off too. I work at the same school. It's a job!

What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW? How dry my eyes are and how I seriously need to get some re-wetting drops

Do you listen to music every day? Yes. I do. Usually when I clean dishes and when I workout but have been known to get into a zone periodically throughout the day where I seriously need my tunes.

 Are you a fast typer? I am but usually need to go back and correct a word or two

 Whats your favorite type of soda? Ginger Ale or Dr. Pepper. I don't drink much soda

Have you ever won an award? Yes. I've won an award but right now I can't remember for what

Are you listening to music right now? Yes there is music playing in my headphones. Pat Benetar the moment. Looking for a Stranger

 How long ’till your birthday?  10 months and I am in no hurry.

 Do you use ebay to buy or sell? I used to sell often. It's been a while

Who makes you mad? People who can't see past the nose on their face. Those who think people are wrong just because they don't think the same way as others. People who are self important.

 What do you do when you’re mad? I usually cry, vent and then regroup

Do certain songs make you cry? Yes. I cry every time I hear Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying and  I Dreamed a Dream

 Are you usually a happy person? Yes. Mostly everyone I know says this about me. I try to be.

 What makes you the happiest? When my kids are happy. When I hear them singing. When they tell me they love me.

 Do you believe in yourself? I do! More than anything else in the world, I believe in myself. I know who I am. I know I am a good person who sees the good in everyone and everything. Even when everything has turned to SHIT

My Prairie Girl In Blue

Last week I showed some photos of my little Goddess strolling through Ringwood Manor in Ringwood New Jersey for another meme but I took so many great photos I cannot help but share some more. My little one did a great job posing for me. Recently someone said there were a lot of the back of her and she has such a beautiful face that I should have taken more of her face. I had to remind them that I was trying to create art and not just taking photos of my beautiful girl. I really wanted to capture something else. Yes she looks amazing but I was trying to see her as not just my daughter but a model on a photo shoot. We loved our day together and I would love to know how many others snapped photos of her strolling in her blue dress. Everyone was looking at her and there was a ton of cameras there. Hopefully they got some good ones because I love the 200 photos we took. Here are just a few of them.

This one was not taken at the manor but at a roadside home. We quickly snapped and moved on.

Having A Blast With Our Mr. Peabody And Sherman Swag #MrPeabody #Peabodyinsiders

We were so excited to get a box of movie swag for the release of Mr. Peabody And Sherman on Blu-rayand DVD Octoberr 14th

Check out all the cool stuff

The kids and I couldn't wait to try on the bow tie and glasses. Which by the way were impossible to see out of. Poor Mr. Peabody!

We had a blast running around the yard and trying not to bump into each other.

If You Can't Be A Rock Star, Be A Gym Teacher

This week my kids school is hosting School Spirit Week.

Monday - Wear neon
Tuesday - Your favorite team's jersey
Wednesday - Pajama day
Thursday - Hat day
Friday - Grade color (each grade was assigned a color)

I am fortunate enough to work in my kids school and it has been fun to see what everyone wears. Today I wore my black skull and pink heart pants and all the kids loved them! Hooray me.

Yesterday my son decided not to wear a jersey. He is a huge fan of Football but doesn't have a jersey of his favorite team (he refuses to wear anything Giants which is what he owns. He is NOT a fan.)
When one of the gym teachers came into the lunchroom with an Ipad and asked that everyone wearing a jersey get up for a group photo, at least 90% of the lunchroom ran over. My son was on the sideline due to the fact he had no jersey on.

The gym teacher asked everyone to pose and right before he snapped asked my son, "do you want to get into the picture? Here put my jersey on" and with that, he removed his jersey and threw it at my son who was thrilled. It was Dallas and one of his favorite teams which the gym teacher knows.  He told me the other day that he doesn't even need to watch a game that he just waits for my son to tell him all the scores.


My son quickly threw the shirt on and while everyone else was already posed and ready, he ran and slid on the floor right into a position in the center of the group.

He felt like a rock star and I was so happy for him. He was beyond thrilled and couldn't stop talking about it.

It is teachers like this that make all the difference in a child's life.  There needs to be more teachers like this who put kids first. Thanks for making my son's day and his very proud momma.

I have been saying for two years, if you can't be a rock star, be a gym teacher. The kids love their gym teachers from K-5. These guys are really good guys and when they walk through a room you would think it was a celebrity.

Walking Around The Grounds Of The Manor #RingwoodManor

This weekend I dressed my daughter in a prairie dress, grabbed a basket and a stuffed animal and headed out. We ended up at the Ringwood Manor in New Jersey.  Built in 1807 the manor is stunning and hosts tours which I have never been able to get to but love walking the grounds when we can.

Here is my Goddess standing at the front door.

This is just a small section of the home.

Watching her run in a her little blue dress with the basket made me so happy.

This is inside the sun room of the manor. It was taken through the window and looks beautiful and bright.

This is another section of the home. I am dying to go inside.

If there is a pile of leaves, you must jump. Rule 101 of childhood.

When The World Tries To Change Your Child Remember You are Part Of The Problem

Today I watched my son run into school for the 1,000th time and every day I am reminded of how the cruel world will change who he is one day.

Everyday my beautiful son hugs me good-bye as he runs toward school with his bag pack on his back and his side way hat because he thinks it makes him cool. His last words are always "I love you, see you later Mom." I work in his school so I see him a few times a day. Whenever he sees me he runs over to hug me while his too cool for school classmates smirk at each other and laugh at him. He doesn't notice but I do. I see their meanness come out more often than not as they make fun of his run, he laugh, his hugs. They think he is odd, different, crazy, and weird. I hear what they say, I see how they treat him and thankfully he is oblivious to their insults. I guess it is a way for them to share a moment of camaraderie with each other. Let's all make fun of the weird boy. He is so far from weird and just wants to be like them. He thinks they are all cool. He thinks they are all funny and he wants only to be their friend. He wants to be like them. Yet, friendship is the last thing they see when they think about him.

My heart often breaks as I watch how they speak to him. It's as if his feelings, thoughts, comments don't matter. He is non-existent in their world yet he would defend any of them if they needed him. If someone gets hurt, loses a game or seems upset he is the first one to ask if they are OK offering a hug or a pat on the shoulder. No, they are 11 and don't want his hug. They get offended and quickly snap "no". He is smiling and thinks he has done something so kind and he has. He is being empathetic, caring and aware but they don't want him to touch them. They may catch whatever it is they think is wrong with him.

When I notice him asking someone if they want a hug or standing too close to someone, I remind him that people don't want hugs. I try to get him to high five me so he is not made fun of but is that what I should be doing? It kills me to do it because I love his hugs. I have become one of the cruel people in the world who is forcing him to change. His mother! I do it because I want to help him but part of me wonders if I should just let him be. They are going to talk about him whether he does it or not. So maybe I will just accept the hugs and enjoy them while I can because it is inevitable, he will change.

He will find it necessary to conform to the world but if there were more people more open to affection maybe more people would smile at strangers. Maybe more people would accept others for who they were without judgement. Maybe more people would be happy.

My happiness starts with his hug in the morning and ends with his hug at the end of the night. So, from this day forward I will not stop his hugs. I will not speak for him. I will not alter his personality to make him more acceptable to the world. Maybe the world has to just become more acceptable to him.

Sunday Stealing Random 20

1. Have you had an argument with anyone recently? If so, do you still have issues with that person? 
Oh gosh yes! We have argued until there is nothing left to argue about. Yes there are still issues and that will not change. Sometimes there people we love most are the ones that hurt us the worst.


2. Are you talking to anyone while filling this in? How about texting/chatting on Facebook? 
UGh yes! I cannot do anything without my daughter chirping to me. She is always talking and if I don't hear her for three minutes I check on her.

3. Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? 
I think so! Over the past two week I have been fortunate enough to be able to help two families. It is a pay it forward though. I am fortunate and receive a lot of hand me downs from friends and recently a friend is fostering two adorable children and I was able to give her a huge garbage bag full of clothes and today I am delivering two garbage bags to another family who lost everything in a fire.

4. Who was the last person to pay you a compliment? 
It was at work. The person stated that I was a very balanced woman who is empathic, funny, rational and down to earth.

 5. Is there anything that’s happened in the past month, that you wish you could go back in time and change? 
Nah, I am fine with whatever has brought me here. Everything happens for a reason and I am fine with where I am. Stronger and ready for anything.

 6. What colour is your purse/wallet? 
My purse is a multicolored bag that everyone says reminds them of the Partridge Family bus.

 7. What’s the closest item to you that’s black? 
A baseball cap that I will probably never wear because it has an egg on it. Why would I want to wear this. Maybe I can add a smiley face to it and make it wearable.

 8. Think about what you looked like 5 years ago. How did you look different, compared to the way you look now? 
I was thinner, younger and happier. My kids were younger and I loved being with them. Now I am tired, coloring my hair more and wearing less jewelry.

 9. Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like Bebo or Myspace? I did use Myspace but not often. Just checked it every once in a while.  

10. Has someone of the opposite sex ever sung to you? If so, how did you respond to it? I have had two people sing to me. One was a guy when I was in my teens. He was a friend of friends and I wasn't attracted to him but he was so nice. I remember feeling really uncomfortable. After that I went to see a friend perform and it was fun because there was nothing between us. He didn't like me and I didn't like him. We were co-workers and he sang every weekend at a club.  

11. When did you last hug someone of the opposite sex? 
I hug my husband daily. Before that, ummm...oh I think it was the brother of my friend Madelaine. He and his wife invited us over to their house. When we were leaving I hugged them both goodbye. They were really sweet and nice to my kids and I.

12. Have you ever seen the film “Casablanca”? Did you like it? 
I have never seen the movie in it's entirety.
 
13. Do you have a relative whose name begins with ‘L’? Tell me about him/her. 
Yes, my sister Lori. We don't speak and I honestly can't remember the time I spoke to her.
 
14. Are you a secretive person? 
No I am not. I love talking and believe in sharing. It is good for the soul and brings you closer to others.
 
15. When did you last eat? 
I ate two hours ago. Soft boiled eggs on English. It was delish.
 
16. If you were going to buy a present for a special person, what would you generally choose? 
Ugh...I am a horrible gift giver. I don't know what to get anyone and never have money available to spend on them which makes it even harder.
 
17. If I’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? 
I would buy Swiss chocolate truffles. I love Lindt!

18. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? 
I do, usually it is reaching something I can't reach.
 
19. If you had to give up your phone or your computer, which would it be? 
I could give up my phone easily. I see my friends when I need to and can talk to them in person.  

20. Has anyone called you gorgeous/beautiful today?No! Those days are over.

Bravevst Post Ever - Covergirl

Never in my life did I ever consider doing a fresh face photo on my blog. It is not me, I always wear makeup even when just being home for the day I put on eye liner. It is something I have done since the age of 13 and will probably do until the day I can't but in the past few months my life has taken me to a place I never thought I would find myself so why not. May as well put on my big girl undies and jump. I'm no longer scared of anything. Fear is gone and I am fine so here I am with my 4:45 a.m. face. This is the time I usually start getting ready for the day. Puffy face and all!

Last week I received a package from BuzzAgent for COVERGIRL + Olay FaceLift Effect Firming Makeup, to hydrate and lift, and De-Puffer Concealer, to banish eye puffiness and dark circles. While I only wear facial makeup about only about 10 times a year I was excited to try this out. Who couldn't use a little lift once in a while?!

While I still have my before 5:00 a.m. puff, I was feeling good about the results.

What I love most about the De-Puffer Concealer is that it goes on so easily. The tip has a metal applicator that feels nice and cool on the skin. I have been a fan of Cover Girl since I am a young girl and Olay is my tried and true go to moisturizer which I am using since I am 12 years old so having this in my concealer makes it easier for me because I would usually be mixing it myself as I never put on concealer or facial makeup with out adding my Olay moisturizer.


It is true! I love this and will be using it forever.

I feel that both products are very light on the skin. I have been using the products for three days now and love how they feel. If you are looking for a new product to add to your beauty routine, I do suggest these but especially the De-Puffer Concealer. It is very light and doesn't seem to get caked into your wrinkles. It definitely brightens the skin and glides over your face smoothly.

Duck Sitting Is An Interesting Job!

My kids and I take all kinds of odd job over the past few years. Usually it is pet sitting (we have watched birds, hamsters, and dogs) or even yard sitting where we water plants. This time we are watering a yard and plants along with taking care of a Koi pond and geese and find it very interesting.

Beside the fact that the gardens are beautiful; come on look at that Tea House there are the fish and the geese which are so cool.

The kids love looking at the koi while I tend to the geese cage.

And while snapping away, I spottted this lovely door which I hadn't even noticed the past five visits because I am so focused on all the tasks (more on that later).

Fun Fall Reading For Kids - The Scarecrow's Wedding

The 411 by Maria and Goddess:

We have been fans of Julia and Axel since The Room on A Broom! This team creates books that are not only fun to read but fun on the eyes.

Betty and Harry are planning their wedding. They make a list of things they need and receive help from many friends such as bees, cows, toads crabs, geese and even a spider and going to help stitch the wedding dress.  While Harry heads out to get water for the flowers the farmer creates another scarecrow to take his place. Betty is worried about her Harry and the new scarecrow Reginald tries to impress her with his fast driving and dancing. Betty is disinterested. Where is Harry? Fortunately Harry does return saving his future bride and everyone lives happily ever after.

What we love most:

The art work is colorful and fun.

Betty tells Reginald that smoking is bad for him when he lights a cigar.

The sweet story of love that is unwavered by a flashy new savvy scarecrow who has nothing nice to say.

A positive message about helping, loyalty and how one should never smoke!

Why kids will like it:

All the details of the animals. Each piece of artwork has animals hopping, flying, smiling or playing. There is so much to point to and look at.