The Exorcism Didn't Take

Yesterday was my angel baby's Baptism. I was hoping for some big turning point, like this morning she would wake up and be cured. Nope, she is still a nails on chalkboard, hair pulling, bundle of banshee girl. She was cute in my Christening dress (looks good for a 39 year old dress) and her big round eyes, little rose bud mouth, dark hair and firmly curled fingers but man can this girl scream???!!! At the church you would think it was a full fledged exorcism the way she screamed and carried on. Looking around I noticed all of the sympathy glances from all of the other parents as they cradled their sleeping angels while my two competed for lead opera singer. Oh well, what can I say at least she looked adorable and was blessed by the church. The party was fun; kind of like a wedding where you don't really get to enjoy your food, don't spend enough talking to everyone, and the day flies by with a few problems but in the end lots of love where you wish you could do it again and really enjoy it this time.

I'm dying, would you like some more tea?

So what do you say when a friend tells you over a cup of tea that they are dying?

Today while visiting a friend who I could visible tell has been having some health issues answered my how are you feeling question with "I am dying." This is something I knew could happen anytime for her because she had a liver transplant 10 years ago and has been sick ever since. She has a genetic problem with her liver and the meds that she has been taking for 10 years to accept the transplanted liver have basically been poisoning the liver due to the potency of them. She just found out on Thursday that she is being placed on the donor list again and is once again facing the knock of death at her door. It doesn't seem fair. She is a beautiful person who feels things so deeply, has such faith in life and God, is funny, sensitive, loving, kind, spiritual and full of life.

I asked her what this meant for her and what she wanted to do and she told me that she of course wants pray for a liver but knows that her chances are so slim. Also, she has a bit of guilt about being on the list again because she feels that she was already given the chance to live 10 years and doesn't think it is right that she could possibly receive another one when there may be someone still waiting for their first. Like I said she is loving and kind.

Because she was being so blunt and upfront it made it easier to talk to her. We talked while sitting on her deck, drinking tea, looking into each others eyes while she held my daughter. We spoke about her possible demise and the sun shined over our heads, the birds sang and the kids on the block played. In the last 6 years that I know her, whenever I am in her presence I always feel like I am talking to someone deeply connected with something bigger, than us. Something I can't explain.

We talked about her setting up a camera to record herself talking to the people she loves, to the people that she may leave behind. I offered my services. I would love to take her to the Botanical Gardens and take tons of beautiful pictures of her before she starts her stronger meds. I am going to mention it next week. I hope she has the energy.

As we hugged good-bye for the day (I had to get home to change my daughter's diaper), I told her how beautiful she is, how strong and how is everything that God intended for her to be. As I walked to my house a door away, I allowed myself to cry for a moment thinking about how things are so unfair sometimes. Then I kissed my daughter's head, went home, woke my son up and headed outdoors to enjoy the cool autumn air knowing that eventually we all die and I want to create loving memories for my babies.

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9-11 Remembrance

I cannot believe that tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of 9-11. The horror of that day will never leave me. I can still remember images and words that were spoken that day as if it was yesterday. I see it all including myself as if it is a movie playing in my head.

I got into work early as usual and as I was sitting at my desk, co-worker Gregg was hanging up the phone, he said aloud to no one in particular, "Jenita just called and says something has hit the World Trade Center." I pulled up one of the local news links on my computer and was watching the footage of what was happening. The North Tower had a huge black cloud of smoke spilling from it, my boss came up behind me to talk about work and I told her what I was looking at. As we watched in horror more people were starting to arrive and before I knew it there were about 8 people standing behind me watching my computer. As we were watching and discussing we the South Tower was hit. I remember turning to my boss and we exchanged a wide eyed gaze. It was quickly obvious that this was not an accident which is something we had been thinking after the first plane hit. The office chatter was feverish and panicked.

I remember listening to a radio with a group of co-workers when we heard that the Pentagon was struck. I happened to look around the room I was standing in and noticed the fear and look of helplessness on various faces. There were some people hugging, some crying quietly, some trying to reach family members on the phone, some sitting on the floor holding their heads and trying to comprehend what was happening.

I called my husband to find out where he was and he told me that he was heading to his parents. He also said, "this is Osama." I had no idea what he was talking about and was just glad to hear that he was safe. I was with Bernadette and her son AJ when the South Tower fell. We were huddled together at her work station. Her arms around her son, mine around her and her son's around both of us. She kept saying, "oh my God, all those people." We cried together as AJ asked each of us if we were ok. I will never forget Bernadette or AJ. We clung to each other when our world was changing. The world we knew was no longer. Fear and panic was clutching my heart and I just wanted to be home with Joe and safe.

I was asked to sit at the switchboard for a moment as the higher ups tried to figure out what to do about the situation. My boss walked by as I was drying my tears. She asked me if I knew anyone in the towers. I told her "lots, and lots of strangers." She said, "oh my God you are right." We hugged.

Our President called a meeting telling us that we were closing our doors so that everyone could go home to be with their families. She said that if anyone felt they were unable to get home safely to tell someone and arrangements would be made.

My buddy Bek, offered to follow me home. I told her that she would be going out of her way but she said she wanted to make sure I got home safe. I will never forget her kindness and unselfish gesture. At a time when I felt that the world as I knew it was falling apart and would never be the same what I did notice that day was that there are people in this life that you can truly count on. People really do care about people. We get caught up in our own lives sometimes but in times of need and when it really matters we can turn to our fellow man.

I am still disturbed, angry, and sad when I watch a 9-11 documentary on television or when I read an article, see a picture or even think about that day. I thank God that I did not personally know someone who perished that day. The amount of grief I have for strangers on that day is hard enough. September 11th will for me, always be a day that America was attacked but it will also be a day that I saw true patriotism as Americans come together as a nation under God or whomever you wish to pray to that is up to you.

Me, My laptop and a slushy

So there I was sitting alone, posting on a friends blog when I decided it was time for a little "me"
drink. Both kids sleeping, the husband outside doing the lawn, what's a women to do? I climbed into a cabinet to reach the ice cream maker which in 8 years of marriage has been used 2 times. I put a glass of cranberry cherry juice, some water and a little drizzle of Absolute. I turned the ice cream maker on and watched as it churned my concoction into the most incredible slush this side of the lake. Ahhh...I can see it now, Malibu Bay Breeze slush, melon ball slush, screwdriver slush, Jack and coke slush, and the drinks just keep on coming!

It truly is the little things

Today was a great day. Why? Well it really is something so small it almost seems silly to make such a big deal about it but to me it really is special. Today, my husband, soul-mate, dude, man, baby daddy, friend, and occasional thorn in my side took us to the park. I have been asking for this for the past year and a half. I took Handsome there every day last year. I would mention to Teach what a great time Handsome would have in the hopes that he would be unable to NOT join us the next time. He never would.

There were quite a few fights about this and he would say that there would be plenty of time for the park but it just never seemed like he was making any. This morning I mentioned a convo that I had yesterday with two girlfriends. They were talking about men and how most don't want to do things with their families. I said that not all men were like that and that I believed that when my kids were a little older Teach would have a lot more interest in doing things with them. His selective hearing button must have not been working because he said "maybe we will go to the park this afternoon". I forced myself to not jump out of my seat with a joyous "yippy" and simply said, "Handsome would love that." He headed outside saying he had some things to do and the kids and I headed to the deck. He started building a new bridge for out creek and I played with the kids until Handsome wanted to go inside. While heading in, Teach said "call me at 2:00 and we will leave for the park."

When we finally got to the park, I found some shade and watched my two boys running, swinging, sliding, and climbing. All the things that Handsome NEEDS to do, and NEEDS to spend some time with Daddy. Handsome had an awesome time and Goddess and I made a friend. Another mom with a 4 1/2 month old was there and we exchanged numbers to get together next week. It is the weirdest thing; I have given my number to complete strangers just because we have kids the same age. This is the only time you can have a five minute conversation with a stranger and hand over your number without wanting a free meal or a roll in the hay. It really is strange.

As we left the park with the baby girl screaming in the back and my son drinking water in his car seat, I looked over at my husband and thought that he was the hottest person alive. Like I said, it truly is the little things.

No time to blog

I have had no time to blog for myself because I have
been so busy trying to create one for my 19 week old baby.
Here it is!













Oh and here is my son's

A True Friend

A true friend is someone who calls from their mini vacation because I had to talk even through I said, call when you get home. Thanks Bek!!!

Banshee Girl

Thank God she is adorable! She drives me crazy. The screams go through my head and I still hear them even when she is sleeping. Someone, a neighbor, ok a man next door recommened that I put some red wine in a bottle with some water, he said this would help her. I could never justify giving my baby alcohol. Some friends have joked about giving her Benedryl because she doesn't give me a break. With all the craziness, I am absolutely in love with her and know that I will eventually get throught this. Thankfully her Dad is rocking her so that I can have a moment to myself. Ahh...small things, that's what life is all about.

It's all about me!

I found this on "Comments from the Peanut Gallery" It was different than most of the others I have received so I thought it would be fun to answer.

1. Nervous habits? Shaking my leg and cracking my knuckles
2. Are you double jointed? No
3. Can you roll your tongue? No
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Yes
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? No, and why the hell would I want to?
6. Can you cross your eyes? Yes but my eyes are screwed up enough so I tend to not do this.
7. Tattoos? Not yet.
8. Piercings? 2 holes in each ear
9. Do you make your bed daily? The beds MUST be made. I have been like that since I was a child. If the bed is made I can concentrate, go figure!

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first? Right one
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? No
12. On the average, how much money do you carry? None
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Wedding and engagement ring, mom's sweet sixteen ring, cross around my neck and anklet
14. Favorite piece of clothing? Anything that fits right

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl with a fork and spoon
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? Never
17. Do you use extra salt on your food? Sometimes, ok most of the time
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? None in the cabinet but 5 boxes above the fridge. A sore subject in this house. My husband thinks there are too many
19. What's your favorite beverage? Water, Coffee, Tea and Milk
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
21. Do you cook? Yes

GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth? Two - three times a day
23. Hair drying method? air-dry these days
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? Yes, no virgin hair here

MANNERS
25. Do you swear? Way too friggin much. I have gotten better since having children
26. Do you ever spit? Yes, I have a chronic post nasal drip

FAVORITE
27. Animal? Horse
28. Food? Steak
29. Month? October
30. Day of the week? Every
31. Cartoon? Sponge Bob
32. Shoe brand? Never thought about it and don't really care
33. Subject in school? English and biology
34. Color? Blue
35. Sport? Hockey
36. TV shows? Tons of guilty pleasures. I love reality TV. Big Brother, Survivor, American Idol, Surreal Life, The Real World, General Hospital, and Oprah
37. Thing to do in the spring? Enjoy the weather
38. Thing to do in the summer? Stay cool
39. Thing to do in the autumn? Enjoy the weather and the colors
40. Thing to do in the winter? Stay indoors wishing I could go outside

IN AND AROUND
41. In the CD player? Melissa Etheridge
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Teresa
43. Reading? What to expect the first year, what to expect the toddler years, Going from 1 to 2.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors? No God never! Those mirrors are not kind.
45. What color is your bedroom? My bedroom is a sad state of affairs. The walls are white the rest of the colors are a melting pot of whatever.
46. Do you use an alarm clock? No I have kids! Don't need one, they wake me way before any clock would dare
47. Window seat or aisle? Aisle I guess

DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position? Back or side (either)
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? Yes, my ears need to be covered, childhood fear
50. Do you snore? So my husband says but I don't know how he could possibly hear me over his own.
51. Do you sleepwalk? N
52. Do you talk in your sleep? I don't believe so. I sleep so little these days I wouldnt have time to have a conversation.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? If you consider the husband and the 4 month old.
54. How about with the light on? Yes, only because of how often the kids force me to move about at night
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? Nothing on usually but I can sleep on a picket fence these days
56. Last interesting person you met? Grandma Janey, Wednesday mommy group

Back in the Day

What happened to me? When did I become the person I see looking back in the mirror above the small round sink in the bathroom. Splotchy skin, dark circles under my eyes, a few more grays and a few more wrinkles, wider hips, stomach pouch from 2 cesareans in a little over 2 years, smaller breasts, dry lifeless hair and red eyes?

I remember a time when I felt OK about myself, not great but confident in my skin. I remember a time when I could pretty much point to someone and say I wanted him to ask me out and it would happen. I remember a comment I received (and it will stay with me for the rest of my life) when I confidently walked through the office of one of my many jobs. It was an older women, well older at the time, she was only about 10 years older than I am now maybe about 49. I was just walking minding my own business when she called me over. I remember I was wearing a very vibrant (I was confident)pink and orange suit, I used to call it my sherbert suit. She motioned for me to walk over. She was getting her hair styled at the beauty school that I worked at and she said, "If I had a body like yours, my husband would never leave the house." Yes, it is true to anyone I know personally who reads this. That is her exact quote, I may even ask that it be put on my tombstone/headmarker when I die.

I remember a time when I felt secure in wearing stretch pants, with high heels and a bra top to tend bar (Shut up, it was the 80's and I lived in Jersey). Now I wear comfy pants and a long butt hider type shirt. My hair which has been long my whole life was always styled, I would get tons of compliments on my hair. So long, so healthy, so thick, blah, blah blah. Now it is usually in a ponytail so that my 4 month old doesn't get a face full of dry, straw type hair in the face. How does it happen? How did I just let myself get here? I think I am in need of a much needed physical, spiritual and mental make-over. It is time to think about me. I think I forgot to put myself on the to do list. That is going to change starting now. Stay tuned.

Love being a Mommy

Lately I have been thinking how sad it is that I will never again be pregnant. I decided that I would not be pregnant in my 40s so I am in fact done. As I hold my 4 month old and look into her big grey eyes I think about how she will be the last one and how I have to embrace each and every moment as crazy as it is. Her colic and reflux leave me feeling exhausted most of the time. She screams like a banshee about 8 hours of the day, I spend 10 hours holding her which seems to be the only thing that makes her somewhat happy. Then there is the toddler who cracks me up on a daily basis. I love his sense of humor, his energy, his early language skills, his dances, his singing and even his tantrums. I am enjoying every moment with each one of them knowing how fast life goes by. I drop everything to pay attention to either one of them when they need it because I know there will be a time when they won't need me as much as they do now. That knowledge is something that gets me through even my worse days.

As I check on my sleeping toddler, my heart swells with the love I feel for him. His face is at total peace, his little arm over his head, the other lying across his chest holding his favorite blue blanky. My daughter lies across my lap leaning against my laptop, I stoke her little cheek and she smiles in her sleep. Her little mohawk and rose bud lips make me smile. Her peaceful breathing is in sync with mine. As I look into her beautiful little face all I can think about is how utterly lucky I am to have experienced every little moment I have with my babies. I am lucky to be their mommy and you know what? They are lucky to have me too!

Ahh..peace and quiet

Sitting here, eating lunch, watching pre-recorded Oprah and reading my email and a friends blog. I mention the sitting part because the last time I actually sat to eat was about four weeks ago. I am usually standing, hunched over the counter next to the sink, shoveling food down my gullet as fast as I can chew and swallow while my son stands at the baby gate and calls me (AMA) and my daughter howls in the background. Oprah is a repeat that I have seen more than once but I don't want to get up and look for the remote to forward because that would take time away from my actually sitting and having time to myself. Damn, I think I hear one of them moving around. Oh well at least I got 35 minutes alone. I should be happy for the small stuff. Got to run.

No Time for Myself and Banshee Baby

I started this blog in order to have a place to write about my day as a form of therapy. Unfortunately, I have had no time to myself in so long. Two days ago I headed to CVS (after spending an hour and 8 minutes in a car listening to my daughter scream like I was dipping her wee little fingers in acid one at a time) minus my babies. As I was driving I realized that this was going to be the first time since my daughter was born 3.2 months ago (15 weeks ago) that I was alone.

The trip from door to door was only 31 minutes but it was the most peaceful 31 minutes a person could ask for.

I felt rejuvenate until I walked in the door and my husband was heating up some bagged/frozen breast milk in a bottle warmer, the baby was crying and my son was writing on the table with crayon. Teach crammed a bottle of milk into her mouth saying, "I know baby, you are hungry." I had just fed her before I left so I knew there was no way she was hungry. He kept shoving the bottle in her mouth as she cried and tried to get away from it.

I took her from him because I couldn't watch anymore even though part of me said let him figure it out. I knew she was tired and as soon as I took her she calmed down and went to sleep. Why did I bother going?

MEN, they just think they know it all. Whenever Teach  is holding the baby and she starts crying he tells me that she is hungry regardless of the fact that she was just attached to my boob 10 seconds before.

She is a trying baby. I have never heard anything like it. This girl screams like she is being tortured. She doesn't let me put her down for 2 seconds before she is screaming like a banshee. All I can say is I am thankful I am not an alcoholic because I would have cirrhosis of the liver by now. God made her cute so I don't kill her.