No time to blog

I have had no time to blog for myself because I have
been so busy trying to create one for my 19 week old baby.
Here it is!













Oh and here is my son's

A True Friend

A true friend is someone who calls from their mini vacation because I had to talk even through I said, call when you get home. Thanks Bek!!!

Banshee Girl

Thank God she is adorable! She drives me crazy. The screams go through my head and I still hear them even when she is sleeping. Someone, a neighbor, ok a man next door recommened that I put some red wine in a bottle with some water, he said this would help her. I could never justify giving my baby alcohol. Some friends have joked about giving her Benedryl because she doesn't give me a break. With all the craziness, I am absolutely in love with her and know that I will eventually get throught this. Thankfully her Dad is rocking her so that I can have a moment to myself. Ahh...small things, that's what life is all about.

It's all about me!

I found this on "Comments from the Peanut Gallery" It was different than most of the others I have received so I thought it would be fun to answer.

1. Nervous habits? Shaking my leg and cracking my knuckles
2. Are you double jointed? No
3. Can you roll your tongue? No
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Yes
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? No, and why the hell would I want to?
6. Can you cross your eyes? Yes but my eyes are screwed up enough so I tend to not do this.
7. Tattoos? Not yet.
8. Piercings? 2 holes in each ear
9. Do you make your bed daily? The beds MUST be made. I have been like that since I was a child. If the bed is made I can concentrate, go figure!

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first? Right one
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? No
12. On the average, how much money do you carry? None
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Wedding and engagement ring, mom's sweet sixteen ring, cross around my neck and anklet
14. Favorite piece of clothing? Anything that fits right

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl with a fork and spoon
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? Never
17. Do you use extra salt on your food? Sometimes, ok most of the time
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? None in the cabinet but 5 boxes above the fridge. A sore subject in this house. My husband thinks there are too many
19. What's your favorite beverage? Water, Coffee, Tea and Milk
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
21. Do you cook? Yes

GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth? Two - three times a day
23. Hair drying method? air-dry these days
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? Yes, no virgin hair here

MANNERS
25. Do you swear? Way too friggin much. I have gotten better since having children
26. Do you ever spit? Yes, I have a chronic post nasal drip

FAVORITE
27. Animal? Horse
28. Food? Steak
29. Month? October
30. Day of the week? Every
31. Cartoon? Sponge Bob
32. Shoe brand? Never thought about it and don't really care
33. Subject in school? English and biology
34. Color? Blue
35. Sport? Hockey
36. TV shows? Tons of guilty pleasures. I love reality TV. Big Brother, Survivor, American Idol, Surreal Life, The Real World, General Hospital, and Oprah
37. Thing to do in the spring? Enjoy the weather
38. Thing to do in the summer? Stay cool
39. Thing to do in the autumn? Enjoy the weather and the colors
40. Thing to do in the winter? Stay indoors wishing I could go outside

IN AND AROUND
41. In the CD player? Melissa Etheridge
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Teresa
43. Reading? What to expect the first year, what to expect the toddler years, Going from 1 to 2.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors? No God never! Those mirrors are not kind.
45. What color is your bedroom? My bedroom is a sad state of affairs. The walls are white the rest of the colors are a melting pot of whatever.
46. Do you use an alarm clock? No I have kids! Don't need one, they wake me way before any clock would dare
47. Window seat or aisle? Aisle I guess

DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position? Back or side (either)
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? Yes, my ears need to be covered, childhood fear
50. Do you snore? So my husband says but I don't know how he could possibly hear me over his own.
51. Do you sleepwalk? N
52. Do you talk in your sleep? I don't believe so. I sleep so little these days I wouldnt have time to have a conversation.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? If you consider the husband and the 4 month old.
54. How about with the light on? Yes, only because of how often the kids force me to move about at night
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? Nothing on usually but I can sleep on a picket fence these days
56. Last interesting person you met? Grandma Janey, Wednesday mommy group

Back in the Day

What happened to me? When did I become the person I see looking back in the mirror above the small round sink in the bathroom. Splotchy skin, dark circles under my eyes, a few more grays and a few more wrinkles, wider hips, stomach pouch from 2 cesareans in a little over 2 years, smaller breasts, dry lifeless hair and red eyes?

I remember a time when I felt OK about myself, not great but confident in my skin. I remember a time when I could pretty much point to someone and say I wanted him to ask me out and it would happen. I remember a comment I received (and it will stay with me for the rest of my life) when I confidently walked through the office of one of my many jobs. It was an older women, well older at the time, she was only about 10 years older than I am now maybe about 49. I was just walking minding my own business when she called me over. I remember I was wearing a very vibrant (I was confident)pink and orange suit, I used to call it my sherbert suit. She motioned for me to walk over. She was getting her hair styled at the beauty school that I worked at and she said, "If I had a body like yours, my husband would never leave the house." Yes, it is true to anyone I know personally who reads this. That is her exact quote, I may even ask that it be put on my tombstone/headmarker when I die.

I remember a time when I felt secure in wearing stretch pants, with high heels and a bra top to tend bar (Shut up, it was the 80's and I lived in Jersey). Now I wear comfy pants and a long butt hider type shirt. My hair which has been long my whole life was always styled, I would get tons of compliments on my hair. So long, so healthy, so thick, blah, blah blah. Now it is usually in a ponytail so that my 4 month old doesn't get a face full of dry, straw type hair in the face. How does it happen? How did I just let myself get here? I think I am in need of a much needed physical, spiritual and mental make-over. It is time to think about me. I think I forgot to put myself on the to do list. That is going to change starting now. Stay tuned.

Love being a Mommy

Lately I have been thinking how sad it is that I will never again be pregnant. I decided that I would not be pregnant in my 40s so I am in fact done. As I hold my 4 month old and look into her big grey eyes I think about how she will be the last one and how I have to embrace each and every moment as crazy as it is. Her colic and reflux leave me feeling exhausted most of the time. She screams like a banshee about 8 hours of the day, I spend 10 hours holding her which seems to be the only thing that makes her somewhat happy. Then there is the toddler who cracks me up on a daily basis. I love his sense of humor, his energy, his early language skills, his dances, his singing and even his tantrums. I am enjoying every moment with each one of them knowing how fast life goes by. I drop everything to pay attention to either one of them when they need it because I know there will be a time when they won't need me as much as they do now. That knowledge is something that gets me through even my worse days.

As I check on my sleeping toddler, my heart swells with the love I feel for him. His face is at total peace, his little arm over his head, the other lying across his chest holding his favorite blue blanky. My daughter lies across my lap leaning against my laptop, I stoke her little cheek and she smiles in her sleep. Her little mohawk and rose bud lips make me smile. Her peaceful breathing is in sync with mine. As I look into her beautiful little face all I can think about is how utterly lucky I am to have experienced every little moment I have with my babies. I am lucky to be their mommy and you know what? They are lucky to have me too!

Ahh..peace and quiet

Sitting here, eating lunch, watching pre-recorded Oprah and reading my email and a friends blog. I mention the sitting part because the last time I actually sat to eat was about four weeks ago. I am usually standing, hunched over the counter next to the sink, shoveling food down my gullet as fast as I can chew and swallow while my son stands at the baby gate and calls me (AMA) and my daughter howls in the background. Oprah is a repeat that I have seen more than once but I don't want to get up and look for the remote to forward because that would take time away from my actually sitting and having time to myself. Damn, I think I hear one of them moving around. Oh well at least I got 35 minutes alone. I should be happy for the small stuff. Got to run.

No Time for Myself and Banshee Baby

I started this blog in order to have a place to write about my day as a form of therapy. Unfortunately, I have had no time to myself in so long. Two days ago I headed to CVS (after spending an hour and 8 minutes in a car listening to my daughter scream like I was dipping her wee little fingers in acid one at a time) minus my babies. As I was driving I realized that this was going to be the first time since my daughter was born 3.2 months ago (15 weeks ago) that I was alone.

The trip from door to door was only 31 minutes but it was the most peaceful 31 minutes a person could ask for.

I felt rejuvenate until I walked in the door and my husband was heating up some bagged/frozen breast milk in a bottle warmer, the baby was crying and my son was writing on the table with crayon. Teach crammed a bottle of milk into her mouth saying, "I know baby, you are hungry." I had just fed her before I left so I knew there was no way she was hungry. He kept shoving the bottle in her mouth as she cried and tried to get away from it.

I took her from him because I couldn't watch anymore even though part of me said let him figure it out. I knew she was tired and as soon as I took her she calmed down and went to sleep. Why did I bother going?

MEN, they just think they know it all. Whenever Teach  is holding the baby and she starts crying he tells me that she is hungry regardless of the fact that she was just attached to my boob 10 seconds before.

She is a trying baby. I have never heard anything like it. This girl screams like she is being tortured. She doesn't let me put her down for 2 seconds before she is screaming like a banshee. All I can say is I am thankful I am not an alcoholic because I would have cirrhosis of the liver by now. God made her cute so I don't kill her.

One Carmel Apple Martini plus a Glass of White Wine

I'm not usually someone who drinks but today when Bekkah come over with the makings of a much discussed Carmel Apple Martini I was ready to drink and drink some more.

Bekkah, created the mouth friendly masterpiece complete with crushed graham cracker rim and fancy martini glasses that she had to bring from home because I lack the necessary drinkage vessel. I worked on lunch (salad and grilled chicken). Dessert was home made blueberry, oatmeal coffee cake and green tea ice cream. Yum!

After Bekkah left I decided to continue celebrating her birthday early by having a glass of wine with some strawberries and then an Amstel Light. All of this alcohol and lightheadedness means I have to pump and dump.

I am nursing my baby girl and obviously wouldn't fill her bottle with this liqueur so why nurse her after consuming more alcohol than I usually do in 6 months? Anyone who has ever nursed knows how hard it is to pump and dump. I am not sure why but even throwing out uneaten breast milk is enough to piss me off for about 5 minutes. I know I am not alone because I have discussed this with other nursing women and I can't figure it out. My body will create more milk. It's not like I purchased it and now I am wasting it. Why the hell are we so upset about throwing out our breast milk? Oh well, I guess I should get started.

Time to hook myself up to the pump get 6 ounces and pour it down the sink. Shed a tear, kick the door and vow to not drink again until tomorrow when I get I mean HAVE to finish the remainder of the drink that my dear friend Bekkah left for in the fridge. Moo!

Can't Get Moving

As I sit here drinking another cup of cold coffee with yet another Wiggle tape playing in the background and my son's clapping I am reminded of a time when I had actually had something to do. Yes I know that what I do right now is substantial! I am creating two hopefully well rounded, respectful, smart, secure individuals who will hopeful change my Depends in the hopefully far away future but I sometimes miss actually getting dressed for a day of earning an actual paycheck for the hard work I do. Getting dressed beyond my stretch pants and t-shirts, pony tail and glasses is a rare occurrence and would require me actually going into public. Ahh the days when I put contacts in, put some mousse in my hair, used a comb and a blow dryer, put on a skirt, shirt and shoes, a little eye liner and lip gloss. Man I miss looking like a women and not a lactating mom! I think it is time to make some time for me again even if the only people who will cross my path are my 2 year old and my 12 week old. I am sure they will appreciate a mom who doesn't look like Willie Nelson on a good day.

I LOVE YOU WILLIE!

Mommy Guilt

I spent all of last night with an intense case of Mommy guilt. Yesterday I went to a friend's house for lunch. The kids had a good time playing and my son was in his glory with new toys to play with and new people to watch. At 2:00 pm I decided to hit the road for my long ride with my colicky daughter and because my son was in need of a nap which usually happens at 11:30 a.m. When I chased him down to put his sneakers on he threw a fit like I had never seen. I had to wrestle him to get him ready to go and have the rubber burns on my forearms from his sneakers kicking at me to prove it. Feeling as though he was overtired even though I had never seen this reaction before; I stood up triumphantly knowing I had won the battle leaving him screaming and crying on the carpet and YES his sneakers were on. I remember thinking that everyone must think he is always so out of control so I said something to the effect of "wow he must really be overtired and doesn't want to leave". He yelled and kicked as I carried him down the stairs to the car. I seat belted him into his car seat and thought how crazy he was acting. I had never witnessed anything like this. Although he usually protests he usually gives up when he realizes that it is a losing battle. As I stepped into the drivers seat I glanced into my mirror and watched in wonder as my son threw himself around while strapped into the seat. All I saw was arms and legs thrashing around along with his screaming, horse voice. I remember rolling down my window saying goodbye and telling JP he was losing his voice from screaming. He carried on for about 10 minutes before drifting off.

When I got home and opened my daughter's door to carry her into the house, my son woke and started crying. I told him I would be right back. He never cries because he knows that I carry her first and then I go get him. I was surprised but figured it had something to do with him being tired. I went out to get him and my daughter started screaming (of course), as I walked him inside, I lied him down to change his diaper. I pulled down his shorts and noticed huge, ugly, red welts up and down his thighs. They were raised almost 1/2 inch. I put Cortisone on his legs and gave him a dose of Benedryl. All the while my daughter's screams have escalated to the unnerving sounds of cats being slaughtered.

Later I called my friend's house to see if her cleaning lady (who had just been there that morning) used carpet powder because while I don't know if my son is allergic, what causes his ezcema is still mostly a mystery to us. She said no because her daughter also has allergies so her cleaning lady doesn't use powder. Then she asked if my son had eaten any cookies. I told her yes that he had three bites. She said, "They were peanut butter!" OMG his allergist had told us that he had a slight allergy to peanuts but that I didn't have to worry about checking every label. She said if peanuts weren't one of the first three ingrediants all would be ok. I think she is wrong. I think his allergy is worse then she thought. Three little bites of a cookie!? Now I know that his thrashing, kicking, screaming, crying and horse voice were not part of a typical toddler tandrum but an allergic reaction to peanuts. He was uncomfortable, scared and probably itchy all over including his throat which is probably why he sounded so funny. For all I know his throat was closing up and making it hard for him to breath. I was so busy being annoyed by what I thought was a crazy tandrum that I didn't even think he could be uncomfortable.

As moms, we know our kids better than anyone. I had never seen this reaction because we had to leave or being tired yet I chaulked it up to that. The whole time I kept thinking, this is not normal for him. So why did I not think further than a tantrum. Thank God nothing happened to him! I would have taken that guilt to my grave.

What I learned; never give him nuts and always trust my instincts. I knew this was not normal behavior for him so I should have investigated his actions further.

My Angel's Of Mercy

Yesterday I headed out minus the toddler to a friend's house. I handed my daughter off to the Angels of Mercy as soon as I walked in the door and spent the next 1 1/2 hours watching them hold her, and coo over her. I sat and watched from afar. It was a wonderful gift to have others taking care of her for me even if I was in the same room. I had a cup of tea, a glass of water, some tomato, basil and cheese, and chowed down on some fennel seeds (a recommendation from a mom, a retired nurse who insisted that it would help my daughter's colic), which were totally gross after the initial pinch I tossed in my mouth and crunched until they were a fine, woodsy, licorice tasting mess in my mouth and then swallowed them with my difficulty but hey who am I to argue. If it worked I would eat with a smile on my face the crud that gathers in the drain of my kitchen sink by days end.

I had told my husband I would leave at 3:30 pm; so while watching the hands of the long arm of the clock moving defiantly towards the number 6 I started to get anxious. I had to literally tear myself away to go home to the husband and toddler who was still napping at 4:15 pm. This tells me that my husband had his own vacation yesterday. I guess all in all everyone benefited except for the toddler who missed out on playing with the 5 kids who were at my friend's house. Oh well, next Wednesday. The ladies get together every Wednesday and we have been kindly added. Thank God!

Rainy Day Blues + 1 Toddler and 1 Newborn

I am so friggin tired today. We lost power last night so I was not able to get to sleep as early as I had hoped (9:00 pm). Some stupid drunk must have hit a pole (again) because the power went off and on very rapidly about 20 times before my husband ran up from the garage shouting for me to shut everything off. He feared the burning out of our major stress relievers; you know the television, computers, phones, VCR's, DVD players, central air, etc. Never mind that I have 2 months of pumped breast milk in the freezer; but did we worry about shutting that off? So we ran around shutting things, pulling plugs, and flipping the switch on power strips. After putting glow sticks in most of the rooms I headed off to bed (it was now 10:30 pm.) My daughter woke me to eat at 2:00 am we went back to bed at 3:00 am and then she woke me about 4:40 and we never went back to sleep. My son woke at 5:45 am and my daughter went to sleep at 6:30 am. She was up just long enough to make sure there was no chance of me getting any more sleep. Here it is 9:15 am and she is still sleeping. God makes them cute so you don't kill them!

My son is watching his second Wiggle tape and I am trying to put my second cup of coffee down my gullet. Here I sit bleary eyed looking at the computer screen, feeling like I have the flu because my body is so tired it hurts. Why did I wait until I was in my late 30's to have kids? I could sleep for three days straight right now but would settle for 4 consecutive hours of rest.

I am hoping to get the little man down for a nap in 2 hours at which time of course my daughter will wake up to eat and then decide to be awake just long enough for the little man to wake up until bed time. Ahhh don't be jealous, it can happen for you too. Just pump out 2-3 kids and see for yourself. Come on join me there's nothing like it.

After all is said and done all it takes is for my son to come over for an unsolicited hug or my daughter to shine upon me her big, toothless, gummy grin and I am in Mommy Heaven!