By Dr.
Ramani Durvasula
The father who insists his son start and play in every game.
The mother who demands that a school procedure related to college
applications be revised for her child.
The parent who calls the college admission’s officer or their
child’s teacher and berates them for not admitting them or giving them a poor
grade.
The mother who is a “room mother” who insists that her rigid rules
be followed vis-à-vis cupcakes, library volunteering, and Halloween parades and
shames those who do not adhere to her rules and edicts.
The parent who attempts to bribe a coach, teacher, school
administrator or other official to ensure smoother passage for his child.
Parental entitlement appears to be the new
world order. Parents who believe their children are entitled to special
treatment, even if that results in other children receiving a lesser
opportunity. It’s a bit of a blind spot, as the entitled parents are not
typically cruel, they are not intentionally depriving another child, but they
are generally unempathic, mindless and clueless. They don’t really care that
another child would need to be deprived for their child to get his way.
There is a Darwinian vibration in the air
of late, hypercompetitive parenting is becoming increasingly common,
complemented by trends such as helicopter parenting and a competitive college
admissions environment. Parents are buying into the “survival of the fittest”
as a guide to parenting. Parents feel judged by outcomes rather than remaining
focused on process. A parent may believe that only by getting Junior to the top
spot in ballet troupe, the basketball team, the debate team, the elite
university, or the beauty pageant are they being a “good” parent. In this way,
it doesn’t matter HOW they got there, as long as they get there.
Parental entitlement can also be a gateway
to parental bullying, and its close cousin – parental shaming. Parents who
bully may attempt to bully teachers, school administrators, coaches, university
administrators, and even other parents. It’s a safe bet that a parental bully
is a bully in other arenas, as bullying is a pattern that tends to generalize
across all relationships. A child just becomes an extension of the parent, and
a place to exercise their entitlement. Queen bees and alpha moms and dads often
buzz around with the entitled indifference they have had their entire lives,
and now instead of bullying for themselves, they bully on behalf of their
children.
Entitled parents tend to behave in
accordance with their own pre-existing patterns of entitlement, narcissism,
psychopathy, or just being a high-conflict kind of person. They tend to wear
blinders to the needs or feelings of other people, in what they believe, is a
well-motivated drive to “advocate” for their child. And there’s the rub –
there is a difference between advocacy and entitlement. An advocate
appropriately interacts with an institution or individual, communicates about a
child’s needs, attempts to craft a collaborative plan, but is not blind to the
needs of other children or parents.
Incivility appears to be the new black and
combativeness is sadly often rewarded. Risk averse school districts, and
battle-weary educators often relent to the squawks of high demand parental
bullies. This serves solely to reward the bullying parents to keep steamrolling
their child through the system. What starts with hustling to get a child into
an “elite preschool” at any cost, can culminate in being a bully with college
counselors to ensure their child gets into his top choice university.
But there is a darker issue afoot. What
does this teach the children? At the simplest level it teaches them that there
are two sets of rules: one for them, and one for the other children. It
may result in kids who go on to become bullies themselves. It may result in
kids who are ashamed and embarrassed at their parents’ conduct, and who may
actually face the antipathy of their teachers. No matter what the results of
parental bullying is not good for the children. It robs a child of a sense of
agency, leaving them questioning whether their achievement was actually their
own, or a by-product of parental scheming, it can generate a sense of
discomfort or insecurity, and it sets an uncomfortable developmental
precedent.
The other dark side, is parents bullying
other parents. The idea that it “takes a village” has been supplanted by
“police state parenting” – parents shaming other parents. Mothers who stay at
home, bullying mothers who work. Mothers who work, bullying mothers who
stay at home. PTA mothers turning the PTA into their bully pulpit.
Parents standing in corners, talking in hushed tones and shaming parents who
actually let their child take a city bus or let themselves into an empty home
at the end of the day. Instead of offering empathy and support, there is a
tendency for more than a few parents to issue shame and criticism. The culture
of parental bullying can turn parenting into a competitive blood sport rather
than a collaborative endeavor. Our children do as we do. It’s that
simple.
What can we do? It is too easy to
say that “life is high school” and bullying needs to be part of the parenting
journey. There are steps we can take to survive the treacherous waters of
parental bullying.
1. Find a tribe of parental advocates. Find your
allies. Whether that means sharing rides, dinners, keeping an eye out for each
other, sharing information – find that tribe, and create your villages. Parents
need support. Draw close to the parents who can provide this type of support,
and set boundaries with those who cannot. Make your own villages.
2. Stop falling for prevailing rhetoric and
battle-lines. If you
are a parent, you understand other parents. It doesn’t matter if they work
outside the home, run a business from their home, or are not currently employed
outside the home. These artificial distinctions are a way for society to divide
women. Mothers love their kids – that’s all the commonality you
need. Don’t fall for these artificial battle lines. Connect through
empathy.
3. Walk away from parental bullies. Just like a playground fight has no
winners, that rule applies for parents too. Entitled, combative and toxic
parents are pathologically insecure and that means they are not good for you.
Set boundaries and keep your distance. This can be complicated if your child
befriends a bully’s children, do not make your battle your child’s problem.
Find a way to set healthy boundaries, and do not engage.
4. Don’t get in the mud. Don’t become part of the parental gossip
machine. It’s easy to fall back into that need to “belong” and get caught in
the titter of parental gossip, just don’t! Gossip is a gateway to more
bullying. Do not get drawn into social media prattle about other parents.
Keep it clean, the last thing you want to model for your child is this kind of
toxic behavior.
5. Advocate for your child in a healthy
manner. It is
normal to want to do right by your child, communicate with their teachers, stay
abreast of school information, and be an informed parent. That does not
mean asking for special dispensation for your child. You are doing your
child no favors by doing that, and it undermines the ability of teachers,
administrators, and coaches to optimally work with your child. If you are
having difficulties with an adult who is working with your child, approach
these challenges through appropriate channels. All children are special,
do not give them the message that they are more special than others, and teach
them the grotesque lesson of entitlement.
Bio:
In her book You Are WHY You Eat, Dr. Ramani teaches us to unearth our inner voice, and let it be heard, to trust ourselves and act from the gut, while making that gut smaller at the same time. She shows us that understanding WHY we eat can lead to real and lasting change--both in weight loss and all other areas of life.
She is currently at work on a new book about staying sane in our era of narcissism and entitlement.
Dr. Ramani has contributed to The New York Times, Health Magazine, Bustle, The Megyn Kelly Today Show, ABC, NBC, The Wall Street Journal, Pop Sugar, and more.
Learn more about Dr. Ramani here.
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